Originally posted from London in November 2014.

Our government is so efficient, said no one ever. And for good reason, as I learned that day. Let me explain how immigration rules, international bureaucracy, consulate red tapes, and outdated technology joined forces to produce one hell of a cluster-fuck that probably left me with a few permanently grey hair.

The goal of this whole exercise: To go on a vacation from England to mainland Europe for one week. Simple enough except for one little thing – a visa. England isn’t part of the Schengen Agreement and therefore has it’s own separate visa. So to get from here to the rest of Europe, people who don’t have western/first-world passports (like yours truly) need a Schengen visa.

I had done this many times before, so I wasn’t too worried initially. I gathered up my documents and showed up at the German consulate at 9AM. Here’s how it unfolded:

1. The airline ticket reservation: This is a remnant from the days when travel agents were the only source of cheap airline tickets. Today there are excellent websites that let you get tickets with relatively less pain. The catch is that there is no such thing as a ‘reservation’ for most of these websites. You buy a ticket or you don’t. Immigration departments, of course haven’t caught up to modern technologies such as the internet and ask for a ‘reservation that doesn’t have to be an actual ticket’. In practice, it ends up being an actual ticket and you waste all that money if your visa gets rejected for any reason. Being a semi-professional visa-getter, I was willing to take risk and had already purchased a ticket. So far, so good?
2. The letter of employment: Ah yes. “Prove to us that someone is willing to pay you to work for them. We want to be sure that you will leave their lovely country when you’re done taking Insta-worthy photos in front of famous monuments.”
   I was expecting this, so I had taken my previous six pay-slips to prove that I did indeed have a job. Turned out that having a job in *the US* doesn’t make the cut.
   “We want proof that you are employed in the UK. The fact that you’re telling me that you’re working in the London office of your company will not work unless you get a letter issued by your London office.”
   This led to a frantic email by me to the HR department, who thankfully put together said letter in an hour. I love my company. They understand what I go through.
3. Proof of financial well-being: I produced my last three bank statements and put them in front of the consulate officer.
   “Oh we can’t accept any bank statements that are not from a bank in the UK.”
   Fuck.
   “But I came here two weeks ago, I don’t have three months of banking history here.”
   “Well, the only other acceptable proof would then be travel checks for 50 GBP per day of your vacation.”
   “Please being all these documents and come back before 3PM.”
   
   Fuck. My. Life.
   
   For those of you who are curious, here is what a traveler’s check looks like:
   Indeed, it is as ancient as the figure on it.Anyway, I opened Google search and typed: “Where can I get traveler’s checks?”.
   A few UK banks showed up in the results.
   I ran to bank number 1.
   “We stopped doing traveler’s checks a long time ago. Most people these days use credit cards.”
   No shit, Sherlock.I ran to bank number 2.
   “Why yes, we do support outdated monetary instruments. Would you like to place an order and collect your checks in a couple of days?”
   Nope.

   I ran to Mark & Spencer because some random person on the street suggested that they may have traveler’s checks.
   Old lady at the counter at M&S, probably older than my mother: “We stopped issuing these last year. Who uses that in this day and age?”
   Uh. Germany?

   I ran to a post office.
   “YES! We do issue these and can give them to you right away, just swipe your debit card here. But wait, your card doesn’t have a chip?”
   “No, because America hasn’t moved on from magnetic stripes.” (Remember, this was in 2014).
   “Too bad. Maybe go to an ATM?”

   I ran to an ATM. At this point, I was sweating and furious.
   I withdrew 200 GBP, which was the maximum allowed in one transaction. I was still about 200 GBP short, so I put the card back in for another transaction.
   And BAM. My bank in the US suddenly blocked the card.
   I dialed the bank emergency line. Someone picked up and suggested I call again when it isn’t 3AM in their timezone.

   I ran to my office, and ended up borrowing loose cash from a friend who happened to have 200 GBP on him. This must be my lucky day!
   I then ran back to the post office, GBP notes flying everywhere, and finally get the aforementioned obsolete monetary instruments.

   I ran back to my office, created copies of everything to hand over to the German consulate and hopped on a train back to the German consulate.

   Back at the interview counter: “Do you have a UK phone number?”
   “Surely you jest madam, I just got here 2 weeks ago and I still use my number from the US.”
   “We can’t proceed then, how will we inform you when your passport is ready to be collected?”
   “There is a new technology called email.”
   “Yes, but we need to inform you via phone number. It’s our policy.”
   Fuck your policy. That’s what I wanted to say. Instead, I gave them reception number for Facebook London.
   “Your application is accepted. You will get your visa tomorrow.”

FUCKING. FINALLY.

Moral of the story – If you have a passport that lets you travel without going through a hair loss before every vacation abroad, then take a moment and thank your lucky stars.

As for me, I was finally allowed into mainland Europe where I spent my well earned traveler’s checks.